I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
