Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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