if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
