the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
