i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
