I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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