i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
