got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
