I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
