We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
