Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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