Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
