I hate your face
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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