Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
