I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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