my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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