theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just invented taco cereal.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
