i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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