My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
