Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
