I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
