Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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