the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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