Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
