I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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