Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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