i can't believe i had my finger in that
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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