??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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