I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
