mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
