i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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