You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wish there were birth control emojis
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
