My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
