So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
