Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
