It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
