I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
