Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
