Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
