you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
