not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
