You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
