You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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