Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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