Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
