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Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
