they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
