after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
