last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
