What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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