Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
